Unit 3: Journal 2

In your journal, continue your observations of the scene observed in journal
1.  Note several vivid action verbs that you have already used. Revise some of your sentences using action verbs and/or write 2-3 new sentences with action verbs.

Try not to use any of the forms of “to be” (is, are, was, etc.).

Underline the action verbs in your sentences. Again, you will want to keep all of these sentences at hand as you do the peer reviewed writing at the end of the unit.



Everyone was busy inside the bedroom, Rin was the only one missing. His computer, though, was on his bed so the other boys knew he was actually not working. Maybe eating or doing some job for The Big Guy? They didn't care much.

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REWRITTEN scene part I:

Everyone looked busy inside the bedroom, but none of them actually was. Rin was the only one missing. His computer remained open on his bed, so the other boys knew he was probably not working. Maybe eating or doing some job for The Big Guy? They didn't care much.

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Wayne and Luke were on the floor, legs stretched, belly faced down and hands holding bored faces. There was a board game between them, but the idea seemed too boring already. They had started playing half an hour ago and were already full of it. Leo was sitting beside Wayne, his back on the bed legs, reading something Aleph couldn't see from his own bed. The pencil on his fingers almost fell down as he payed attention to the others, his math exercise completely undone. Aleph was also bored, but he was the last one to have an idea, so he just kept looking at Wayne and Luke on the floor. Luke's hair was wet from the showed he had just taken.

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REWRITTEN scene part II:

Wayne and Luke were on the floor, legs stretched, belly faced down and hands holding bored faces. There was a board game lying between them, but the idea of playing seemed too old already. And they had started it only half an hour ago... Leo was sitting beside Wayne, as usual, his back on the bed's legs, reading something Aleph couldn't see from his own bed. The pencil on Aleph's fingers almost fell down as he payed attention to the other side of the room, his math exercise completely undone.

Aleph was also bored, but he was almost always the last one to have a good idea to end that feeling, so he just kept looking at Wayne and Luke on the floor. Luke's hair was wet from the shower he had just taken...

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REWRITTEN scene part III:

To Aleph, he never looked so beautiful from the distance, over a dim evening light that came from the closed window. No one ever did, actually.

A voice in his had, however, reminded him of something he should never forget.

"Don't fall for me", the voice quietly whispered, yet buzzing like a hungry bee in his hears. It had Luke's tone.

Aleph closed his eyes and sighed. It was probably too late for that gently advice.